A MarySue Gone Horribly Wrong
by Jenqo
Summary: Lisa is an editor who hates 'those' types of fic. Imagine her horror when she realizes she's been mysteriously sucked into Middle Earth. Chapter 2 is....finished. - Parody of Mary-Sues with plenty o' Mary-Sue killing.
1. Why me?

Um, yeah, after 4 days in bed with the flu, I plead both insanity and rabid boredom.  Proceed if you must.

**Disclaimer:** Yeah, the characters are not mine.  Duh.  Well, Lisa is, and there may be others at some point, you never know.  Oh and she's not me.  So this isn't technically a Mary-Sue….

**Warning: Don't read this if you have ever, or plan to ever insert yourself into a story so you can get it on with a fictional character and possibly save the world.  You pervert.**

**A Mary-Sue gone horribly wrong**

Lisa gave a grunt of frustration as she read yet another bad Mary-Sue fan fiction.  Being the editor of a fan fiction website had to be the worst job she'd ever taken in her entire life.  Clicking 'delete', she watched in satisfaction as the pathetic attempt at literature vanished from her vision forever.  Or at least until the hapless authour decided to submit it again, which would hopefully not be anytime soon.

"One down, only 297 more to go!"  She said, less than gleefully to the monitor before her.  "And now I'm talking to myself, great."

Another message caught her attention.  Bracing herself, Lisa opened the text file and somewhat apprehensively started reading.

"Ariana woke up from her concussion in a forest surrounded by strange people.  Her beatiful light crystal blue eyes opened in surprise as she realized where she was, and who the strangers were.  Suddenly a familiar blond face stepped through an opening in the trees.

"Are you alright?"  Legolas asked the surprised girl.  His flawless face was full of concern for the girl.  But she noticed there was something else in his expression that he was trying to hide, but not succeeding.

"Yes." She replied, speaking perfect elfish.  She smiled and the whole forest seemed to light up with the radiance of her smile.  Legolas, the elf-prince smiled back at her, for he had just fallen in love with the beatiful stranger…"

"Ack!"  Lisa said, hitting the delete button yet again.  She was so sick of reading Mary Sue fictions she would scream if she saw another one tonight.  She silently cursed the casting director for Peter Jackson's now infamous (in fan fiction circles) movies, while she suppressed her gag reflex to try and keep her dinner down.  Tired, she decided to take a break from reading bad fictions and concentrate on something more important, like sleep.

It was about that time that Lisa made a horrible mistake.  One that would haunt her for the rest of her life; she laid her head down on her hands and closed her eyes to rest for just a minute.  Minutes turned into more minutes, the screensaver appeared, filling the monitor with images of flying toasters which eventually changed to darkness as the hard drive clicked into standby mode to save power.  The sound of snoring filled the room, proving the age old philosophical question of 'If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" to be completely irrelevant in this situation.  Something else happened then that defied all common sense or logic.  Something so convoluted and impossible that it was possible.

A hearty scream of complete and utter horror echoed across all of Middle Earth as Lisa awoke and realized where she was.  All across the land, Elves went deaf, birds fled from their tree homes, Worms burrowed deeper into the ground and even Orcs fled in terror at the resounding shrillness of The Scream That Rocked Middle Earth.

"HOW?  Why?  It can't be!  Why me?"  Lisa cried, pounding her fists into the ground until they were raw and bloody.  "I'm not a fangirl, I hate fangirls! Nooooooo!"

After her tantrum ended and she switched to sulking over her fate, Lisa realized she was starving.  She also realized she was still wearing her pajamas.  The ones with the big hole in the crotch and the big pink bunny on the right-hand pocket.  To make matters worse, she probably wasn't wearing clean underwear either.  

"Damn!  I knew I should have listened to Mom, it would just figure if I died wearing dirty underwear.  Or worse, if I run into Hobbits."  And if she knew her Mary-Sue's she was about to either run into someone, or have them stumble upon her.  But since she wasn't unconscious, the latter wasn't likely, which meant that she was doomed to run into them.  And she had a terrible feeling she knew who it would be.  That thought was enough to propel her to her feet and to cautiously run off, looking every which way in dread of running into someone who had the potential to be either heroic or pointy-eared.  Possibly both.  She shuddered at the thought.

Meanwhile, a couple of Hobbits were making their way through the very same field Lisa was currently fleeing through.  An encounter was surely forthcoming, based on the unexplainable fact that they had entirely missed the Middle-Earth shattering scream from earlier due to the frenzy of eating they had worked themselves into.  With pots and pans flying everywhere, Hobbits seldom knew what was going on around them, or even where they were for that matter.  But anyway, Samwise 'I'm straight, honest' Gamgee and Frodo 'Ringbearer' Baggins were lost.

"Where are we Sam?"  Frodo asked his gardener, looking characteristically worried.

"Oh Mr. Frodo, we are lost!"  Sam declared, managing to look both chagrined and worried at the same time.  

"Sam."  Frodo said, shaking his head.  "Will you ever succeed in not stating the obvious?"

"But Mr. Frodo, look, it's in the script!"  To back up the fact, Sam pulled the seven thousand page volume from inside his coat, making him look considerably thinner in the process.

"Script, shmipt!"  Frodo said, rolling his eyes.  "Honestly, if you think I consider the script every time I say something I'd have to use more than two facial expressions for the whole trilogy and they'd have to pay me more."

"Mr. Frodo!"

"What?"

"Sorry, the script requires me to call you that every three seconds."

"Screw the script!"  Frodo declared, tossing his copy into the corn.  After all, this is supposed to be a Mary-Sue, right?  All laws of sanity are to be left back in the Shire.

THWACK!

"Argh!"

"What the bloody hell was that for?"  Pippin cried, shoving his way out of the corn.  "Do you realize how heavy that thing is, it's like a deadly weapon!"  A large lump was rising cartoon-like from his head as he spoke.

"Yeah, you don't just go throwing scripts around, you could kill someone."  Merry agreed, surfacing from the rows of maize.

"Speaking of sanity."  Sam interjected.  "What the hell does this have to do with the plot?"

"Beats me."  The Hobbits said in unison.  Then they all enjoyed a hearty laugh.

Lisa realized with a growing sense of horror that she'd wandered into a cornfield.  And in Middle-Earth there could only be one cornfield in which outside people could wander.  That meant she would surely be meeting up with Hobbits any time now.  The thought actually comforted her when she realized that Hobbits were bound to have food.  Either that or they would become food.  And food was the only thing she wanted right now, save for a change of clothing and some shoes.  Regardless of how hairy their feet were, Hobbits were crazy to wander in cornfields with no shoes on, her feet were sore and she was probably going to need a tetanus shot.

Which brought up an interesting point….If Hobbits were Halflings, why were their feet hairy?  She was about to ponder that for awhile when out of the blue and to no one's great astonishment, she heard a noise.

What was that?  Lisa wondered, wondering why she was wondering.  She listened more carefully.

Yes!  She thought triumphantly.  Unexplained laughter could be heard from not so far away. 

Without a thought in her head, she ran off in search of the laughter and most possibly food.

Will Lisa find food?

Will she succumb to her Mary-Sue destiny?

Will this ever get interesting?

Only time will tell!  Tune in later for…er, more.


	2. We smells the blood of Hobbitses, we doe...

**Note:** Actually, Lisa's pajamas are roughly based on my blue Winnie the Pooh pajamas, except the pocket is on the left and there is no pink bunny.  Unfortunately.

**Disclaimer:** Several Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this nonsense.  GO ME!

**Chapter 2 – We smells the blood of Hobbitses, we does!**

Frodo Baggins stood on the road, looking worriedly into the weirdly swirling distance as the other three Hobbits gorged themselves on mushrooms.  He had a bad feeling about something – the very something that had suddenly given him trippy tunnel vision.

"GET OFF THE ROAD!"  He shouted, knowing that something evil was coming and that it would of course be both blind and hard of hearing.  The Hobbits scurried quickly to a conveniently enormous tree root and hid under it, just in time.  At that very moment, a gorgeous human female scurried into the frame and the whole forest lit up with her ebullient radiance.  Frodo felt an odd stirring within and had an overwhelming urge to rise from his hiding spot and madly snog this newcomer, but at that moment Lisa appeared and body-checked the radiant girl.

"Geeyaaaah!" The not-so-ebullient one cried as she thunked into the foliage.

"Hands off, this in MY Mary-Sue and those are MY food-bearing Hobbits!"  She said, kicking the hapless Mary-Sue into a crumpled heap at the side of the road.  Then she turned towards the tree root, rubbing her hands together in anticipated glee.  A strange odor filled her nostrils, an altogether unpleasant stench reminiscent of both chemistry class and skunk spray.  And it was coming from the base of a conveniently-placed giant tree root.

"Ewwwwww," She expunged, wrinkling her nose.  "Don't tell me they smell bad too.  No wonder the Nazgul used scent to track them."

"No, Mr. Frodo!"  Sam cried, poking the little Hobbit with the stub of a broken carrot.  "You mustn't reveal yourself; it's a MARY-SUE!"

The other two Hobbits gasped in shock as they digested what the fat little Hobbit had just revealed.

"I knew something terrible was going on!"  Merry said, "But never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this!"

"nkjfdhgjkhlgsdjpv;mprjgkd;lm!"

"Huh?"

"Ijfcdn fdnvkjd;jg dfhngfdn;!!"

"Does anyone here speak Pippin?"  Frodo sighed. Honestly, I don't know what they were thinking when they cast you…"

"Excuse me."  Lisa interrupted.

"Ahhh!"  The Hobbits yelled as one.

"Get back!"  Sam cried, wielding his carrot in a menacing way.  "Or I shall be forced to…uh…throttle you?"

"Oh quiet, you" Lisa muttered, grabbing the carrot from Sam's hand and devouring it.  "Got any more food?"  She burped, wiping her hand across her mouth.

"I think I'm in love!" Merry exclaimed, little sparkles appearing in his eyes.

"Cool trick."  Frodo replied, but you can't possibly be in love with her, she's a Mary Sue.  I think…"  He glanced more thoroughly at the girl with the bad table manners.  She didn't look like a Mary-Sue.  Her hair was a scraggly mousy brown mess, there were bits of flax sticking out of it at irregular intervals, and she was wearing rather flimsy trousers with a hole…He choked violently.

"Oh, no Mr. Frodo!"  Sam cried, beating him on the back, which only made the choking worse.

"Don't beat him, you fool, you'll only make it worse."  The human girl-thing mumbled through a mouthful of beetroot.  She'd seized Pippin's supply of stolen vegetables and was halfway through the lot.  Frodo clawed at his gardener, face turning a becoming shade of violet.  Merry leaped on Sam, knocking him over and Frodo gasped, air finally returning to his lungs.

"Oh, Mr. Frodo, I thought you were a goner!"  Sam cried, flinging himself upon Frodo and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Down boy!"  Frodo commanded.  Sam dropped to his knees.  "Sit!  Now, stay….good boy."  Frodo patted his gardener on the head affectionately.  Sam beamed and panted.

"This is just getting weird."  Lisa observed, holding the last turnip above Merry and Pippins' heads and watching them leaping about, trying to reach it.

"You're right."  Frodo said.  "I probably shouldn't have thrown away that script."

"I told you so."  Sam grumbled, reaching for his own.  "There, see…Tunnel Vision…Conveniently placed tree root…ah!  Here we are, there's supposed to be a Black Rider…"

Right on cue, there was an eerie screech.

"Bingo."  Sam said triumphantly, stuffing the script back under his shirt.

"GET OFF THE ROAD!"  Frodo screamed.

"No, we've already done that part."  Merry reminded them.

"Oh right, them, um…."

"We must lay in the dirt until the insects crawl all over us, then use the vegetables to distract the black rider into thinking we are actually a foot to the left."

"But we haven't got any vegetables!"  Pippin screamed.

Everyone stared in awe at the little Hobbit.

"My god."  Lisa said.  "I actually understood him."

"Me too."  Said Sam.

"Oh, sorry."  Pippin replied, "I meant: jhdgiehsflkhsefu!"

"Screw this."  Frodo said, "Let's just make a run for it!"

So they did.  Lisa was of course, one of them now, not in the sense that she became a Hobbit, but that she was now, as per Mary-Sue requirements, accepted as one of the gang.

No one thought this odd; they were too busy running for their lives.

"BUCKLE………BERRY………FERRY!" 

Someone yelled.  Lisa couldn't quite make out who, but it was probably Merry, since that seemed like a Merry thing to do.  Although it did sort of have that state the obvious thing hat Frodo and Sam seemed to like as well.  Either way, it was to be no secret where they were headed.

A black rider swooped out of the darkness, cackling evilly and wielding his scary sword-like thing.

"I shall poke thee with my stabbing apparatus and thou shall join me in un-life!" he said through cackles of glee.

"Whoa, you guys don't talk."  Lisa said, kicking the black rider.  "And you don't swoop, either."

"Aww, but looking cool on a scary black horse gets so tiresome after a few centuries."  The black rider sniffed.  "I just wanted to try something different for a change."

"Well stop it."  She demanded.  "You're ruining my Mary-Sue."

"Would it help if I poked you with my evil sword of un-death?"  He asked.

"No."  Lisa said adamantly.

"Oh come on."  The black rider whined, "Can't I poke you just a little?  Please…"

"I said no."  

"Fine."  He pouted.  "What about the wee ones, can I poke the wee ones?"  

"Not yet!"  Lisa sighed.  "Geez, haven't you guys read the actual NOVEL?"

"Novel?"  The black rider sounded disgusted.  "This IS a Mary-Sue, is it not?"

"Good point."  Lisa agreed.  "Now go chase some Hobbits or something."

The Black Rider (Who will hereby be referred to as Nazgul #3, just for the heck of it) galloped off on his scary horse to terrorize the Hobbits a little more.

And Lisa ran towards the direction that would undoubtedly lead to Buckleberry Ferry.  Either that or a certain Ranger….She ran a little faster.

Ooh, even I wasn't expecting that.

Yes, I am aware that 'thunked' isn't a real word, but we likes the sounds of it, we does.  

We also likes wee little Pippin, but we couldn't resist playing with his accent.  Why is we talking like this?  Even though he spoke readable English in the first chapter….I was hoping no one would remember.

Yeah, um, that last bit was pure me.  Damn.


End file.
